Hand me a dictionary. I know there are some words in there that would be challenging for me to say. Although I would have to admit, the two hardest words for me to learn to say were "I'm sorry". Why is that? Why is 'I'm sorry' so hard for us? What makes us choke back the words, put on our stubborn hats, and justify the defiance going on inside of us?
Here's my story:
1998. A wonderful year.
I married my best friend, Dan. We were in love. Marriage was great, until our
first disagreement. Do I remember what it was about? No, but I do remember a theme
to our "fights". Not what they were about, or how they started, but
with how they would end. We would be upset at each other. Leave the room
angry. Sometimes he was right, sometimes I was right, but it didn't matter. I
was going to make sure I stoked the fires of self-pity, justification, and
build a case about why I was allowed to be hurt and upset, angry etc. Now
when we allow ourselves to justify our behavior, thoughts, and actions, we
become more and more self-righteous and stubborn and it becomes harder to break
away from that pattern.
So, there we were.
A few minutes, or a couple hours have passed. I would be stewing.
Making sure he knew I wasn't happy. I wanted him to feel "in the
doghouse". Sure enough he would come to me and look me in the eyes and
apologize. Let me know he didn't want to fight. Tell me he loved me and
valued our relationship.
YESSSS! I knew I
was right! He finally came to his senses!
Soon, I was realizing a
pattern. I was never the one to admit I was wrong. Never the one to say I was
sorry. I started to get frustrated that Dan was a bigger person than me, he
could apologize more freely. That he could let go, put down his pride and love
me.
Why couldn't I? I
wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to be mature. So, I would have inner
dialogue." Ok - next argument I am going to apologize first. I am just
going to spit it out." Then it would come and I would sit there arguing
with myself.
What was wrong with me?
Why was saying I'm sorry so hard? My mind and heart were cheering me on "say
sorry, say sorry, say sorry". My pride and my mouth were working hand in hand against me, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's
not your fault".
Finally I did it. I apologized. Did I
do it for the right reason? I don't know. Do I think it matters? No, I think
God was taking me on a journey to change my heart. He wanted to make me aware
of this huge issue in my life. My pride. You can ask my husband. We laugh
and talk about it now. How far I have come, and how far I still have to go.
I love this verse below.
14-17 Work at getting along with each other
and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure
no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of
bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no
time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God’s lifelong gift in
order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted
that impulsive act and wanted God’s blessing—but by then it was too late, tears
or no tears. Hebrews 12:14-17 The Message
Work at getting along with each other and with God. Sometimes that means being the one to say "I'm sorry".
When is the last time you said I am sorry to someone in your life. When is the last time you said you're sorry to God?
Are you keeping a sharp
eye out for weeds of bitter discontent that you might be allowing to grow?
Are you trading away
God's lifelong gift to satisfy a short-term appetite? The appetite to be right,
the appetite to prove a point, the appetite to ______. (You fill in the blank)
February 1st-8th
This weeks GSG challenge:
I bet you can guess:
SAY I'M SORRY
Need I say more? Think
about people in your life. Is there anyone that you should have apologized to
but were just too stubborn and let your pride justify your silence?
Say sorry. No
excuses. I can tell you first hand, you will feel better. It doesn’t matter if
the offense was today, last week or even years ago. Ask God to reveal a time
that you let slip by without apologizing.
Then say sorry!
And as always
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